Thicker Skin

Four Years Post Pandemic

There is a photo of me and (what once were) the little ones of our community on the refrigerator. My husband, Brendon, and I lean against the kitchen island, sipping dinner wine as we reflect upon what God has done for our families, friends, and neighbors.

"Maybe we just need to develop a thicker skin," Bren resolves. 

We had been plowing through building community for the last four years and were now experiencing a shift. Bren tells me in corporate, groups will last between 3-5 years before people grow tired and pessimistic toward one another. I'd expect the same will happen anywhere the Gospel isn't present. But if it is present? If a group of people is said to be living in a Gospel-oriented community, will these gatherings still run for 3-5 years?

It appears, yes. Maintenance is required.

There are three ways we're experiencing this shift. The first is through multiplication, also known as a Gospel goodbye. This path is welcomed but difficult because things worked well when everyone was together. Still, God's callings are higher than both our understanding and our grief. The second is through seasons. Somewhere between 0 and 5 years of age, we transition from milestones to seasons. From talking to walking, a growing independence. We meet social and academic expectations, find the path to set course on, and begin seasoning through life. There's no milestone for being told No or Go by God. A lot changes every five years, and reflection is necessary. The third is through conflict, both communicated and not, and within every party involved.

"Except thicker skin didn't stop a nail from being driven into Christ's hands and feet," I respond.

It's not that I haven't tried. In 2020, when the pandemic happened, I breathed fire. With the world shut down and grown adults not knowing what was happening or where to go, many living in fear, I gathered children, purposely, in my home. I wanted them to be safe and able to process what they were experiencing by being surrounded by God's love through an open door, an open heart, and open hands. If we were going to live, it would be together. If we were going to die, we wouldn't be alone.

I would learn, however, that thicker skin, although a great defense initially, was not something that cultivated humanity toward one another fundamentally. I grew to be bitter and skeptical. Friendships would become turbulent with the noise of the news, and I had trouble differentiating between open hands and passivity. The nights grew longer, and my prayers grew shorter. Nature became quiet, and the internet festered with hate. I no longer wanted to talk anything out. I just wanted action. I plowed the fields faithfully –– but aggressively (if you've read the parable of the prodigal son and can resonate with the eldest son, you'll understand this sentiment).
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Is Thicker Skin Biblical?

I often tell my children there is a difference between callous and callus. I tell them both indicate a lack of feeling, but one is necessary, and the other is selfish. Becoming callous is indifference and lack of sensitivity. It leads to failure to fulfill loving responsibilities toward others, ultimately resulting in isolation and greed.

To build callus means to toughen skin through repeated friction. The most skilled musicians and hardiest handymen know the importance of callus. James 1:2-4, Romans 5:3-5, and 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 are just a few examples of what perseverance and pressing through will do to a person in Christ. Determination, endurance, and commitment — pursued for others is through, ultimately, humility and vulnerability.

In his work, The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis writes, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Jesus built community with his words and actions. He brought forth the Kingdom of God as a man and the son of God. No one had thicker skin than He (even added to it by becoming a carpenter)! It wasn't thick skin that saved humanity that fateful day and I am happy and humble to say it will never be thick skin that will get us through our seasons and shifts. I see that now, even as my seasons change.

As far as maintenance goes, patience is probably where you'll find us working toward the most. Along with perspective, knowing we don't sit on the throne of judgment, and knowing full well that advice is a dangerous gift. If we are meant to grieve, I want to do it well. If we are purposed to celebrate, may the heavens sing with us, gladly. And above all, may we continue to look more and more like Jesus in everything we do.

Being vulnerable isn't easy, and being humble through difficulty can be painful, but it is worth it when it is clothed in the hope poured out into us through the Holy Spirit.

Having thicker skin in any season can be valuable, but it isn't the solution. 
Love is.

References

James 1:2-4: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Romans 5:3-5: "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."